Immigrant Observations in London

He was anxious. Worried and stressed. Didn't want to show his real self. Couldn't even if he wanted to anyway.
In his world weakness is unforgettable.
No mercy for unlucky souls who show emotions. Because emotions are for  weak and weakness is something you stay away from.
  
It is not a choice. It is a must. First rule of survival. Your game face. Straight, blank, practiced but natural.

The problem was he didn't fit any part of this segregated society. He knew that.

To start with he was an outsider, an immigrant, foreigner, an alien he would have been called if he was in USA.

How race, colour, age, sex did not matter. Once you have the accent in London you are the one. The one who arrived late.

Any accent would do. North London, south London, Essex, Brummie, Scottish, Irish, Indian, Patois but not immigrant one.

You get stamped straight away. Everybody knows that you are new here.
They treat newbies different in London. No matter where are you from or who you engage with, you get looked down.

Anybody who was born in the UK will judge you right there and then. Mostly you start the interaction with minus points.

You get struggle in the beginning but get used to it in time and accept it sometime very soon.
Once the peace made with unavoidable faith you start playing the game.

Learning the rules. Rules that emposed in to you by unwritten society rules. Everybody knows but nobody speaks of.

Unwanted fight

He knows what he wants

People don't

Hard to explain

but

He tries, barely..


Gives up sometimes

Pick himself up

When he gets weak

Knowing the borders

of

His limits won't help

If they refuse

to see


Unwanted fight

not willing to win

or lose

with humans

always believe they have

right to choose


Screaming to light

Whispering in dark

Scared of them

being black or white

Giving up the once again

Knowing to start

All over again..

Good Old London Bendy Buses

A long time ago they decide to introduce so-called Bendy Buses to London. What a big mistake that was.

First of all, they were not suitable for London's narrow roads but most importantly nobody was paying a fare.
Hop in Hop out.

When the authorities realise the non-paying issue, they recruited 150 people to catch people like us. They give them a fancy name. Revenue Protection Officers.

RPO's mean business.
They tried every trick in the book.
Tried to surprise people, catch them red-handed.
They hide behind bus stops, jump on a bus just before the doors close.

The trick was to keep an eye on the next stop.
When you see the Revenue Protection Officers you jump off the bus before they get in. Once they were in you pray that bus gets to next stop before they got to you.

Sometimes people used to get caught before they got to you. That was a mixed feeling though. You are happy being safe but feel for the fellow fee dodger.

Let's say you managed to get away for some time but your luck turned and got caught.

The first thought is "Even if I get fined, I am still in profit." Total unpaid fees £118, fine £60. right?

Not really.!

You should never give up.

So you give them some made up name, address, get your ticket, listen their -be a good citizen, pay your dues- advice and move on.

The secret in this tactic was to look embarrassed, feel bad and acted like you learn your lesson. If you behave cooky etc they insisted on seeing your ID, asking ridiculous questions and sometimes get the police involved.

You made them feel like winners. They got you. Wow. Great job mate. So you can safely move away and let them chase Mr Gregor Samsa.

This one time I and my mate decided to jump on a bus. He had a pass however I told him that I had no bus pass.
He dismissed my point and said " don't be a pussy"

Guess what happened next. I got caught.

So I am in the middle of the bus with my mate getting questioned, all pissed off decided to teach a lesson to my friend and gave his name and address to the officer.

Obviously, he didn't say anything but I could see him getting red and angry. I was feeling good myself at the time.
When he finished with me, the officer turned to my friend and asked for the pass. My smartass mate said that he didn't have a pass and gave my name/address for the fine. Asshole..!

Then one day Boris Johnson got rid off all bendy buses and brought fancy but troubled new routemasters.


Wanto to Read More about London Click Here

London Poem

They all come to London

Big dreams,

Soon abandon

Center of the world

One language turns hundred

Getting hurled

Memories Plundered

City is busy

Ignores you

You feel dizzy

Have no Clue

Not easy to get here

Harder to leave

When you realise

It's too late

There is nothing to achieve

Love and hate

You are in between

Knowing its too late

To get clean

London Knows you are here

Sad and tired

Only sees but cant here

You think you are fired

No more inspired

Done, Leaving no more,

The city is the pimp

and

You are just a whore..

Hipster jokes from east London

My poetry bring all the hipsters to the yard and they're like "How Avant-garde" 

If a tree falls in the woods, and nobody's around to hear it, will a hipster buy the soundtrack? 

Dear Hipster, Jesus loved you before you were cool. 

If a hipster does something but doesn't Instagram it, did it really happen? 

I ain't no hipster, but I can make your hips stir. 

Dear Hipster, no matter how cool you think you're making it look...It's still alcoholism 

Two hipsters walk into a bar. The first one did it before it was cool, and the second one did it ironically. 

I farted in a room of hipsters and I watched them fight each other over who heard it first. 

So a hipster walks into a bar and, well, you've probably never heard of it. 

What came first the hipster or the mainstream? 

Push a hipster down the stairs, ....now look whose tumbling. 

Hipsters wear jackets in the summer before it's cool. 

Hipsters hate rivers. Too mainstream. 

Writers Bloggers Wanted for UK website

We are always looking to extend our fabulous writing team. 

Send an email to info@moneylondon.co.uk telling us a bit about yourself and include a link to your blog or attach a sample of your writing. If there is a specific genre that you wish to write about then do let us know, some of our writers mix it up a bit and others stay to their niche. Whatever you want to do is fine with us.

We are more focus on London and anything related to making money in London but If there is a specific genre that you wish to write about then do let us know, some of our writers mix it up a bit and others stay to their niche. Whatever you want to do is fine with us.

In return, we can link your website/blog.

How to make money from Wimbledon?

Sporting tournaments do not come any bigger or more exclusive than Wimbledon. Even for those who do not follow tennis, Wimbledon is the one event they know and have seen on television. Whether it be the players dressed all in white, the green grass courts or the strawberries and cream, everyone has a favorite aspect of this prestigious tournament and there is no better place to entertain key clients, than Wimbledon.

The Wimbledon Championships are played over the first two weeks of July, in the heart of the British summer, at the All England Lawn Tennis and Croquet Club, London. Ask any of the top players, which tournament they would like to win and often the answer is Wimbledon.

The greatest players in the history of the sport have won at Wimbledon, including Billie Jean King, Martina Navratilova, Steffi Graf, Serena Williams, Fred Perry, Bjorn Borg, Pete Sampras and Roger Federer. The list goes on and on and features the biggest names in the sport. So, if you want to treat your clients to the opportunity of witnessing sporting greatness, there is no better place to do it than Wimbledon.

Imagine having the best seats in the house as Roger Federer plays his way to a record eighth Wimbledon Men’s Singles title. This would be the ultimate in rare ‘I was there’ moments. You can give your key clients the possibility of witnessing thrilling experiences such as this, with one of our leading Wimbledon hospitality packages.

The great thing about entertaining key clients at Wimbledon are the benefits, both on and off the court. Not only will they enjoy world class sport, they will delight in the very best cuisine and service. Our Wimbledon hospitality experience is set in beautiful surroundings, with welcome drinks, three-course meal, afternoon tea and much more, all to suit your requirements.

Clients will be dazzled by the Wimbledon experience and we leave no stone unturned when it comes to providing the very best in Wimbledon hospitality. As soon as your key clients arrive at the All England club, they will know they are in for a special day and there is no better event at which to impress and seal that all important deal.

To ensure you key clients feel extra-special, why not book a Wimbledon hospitality package which includes seats on Centre Court? Currently, this is the only court at the All England Club which features a retractable roof. This means, even if the weather is not behaving, you and your clients are guaranteed tennis throughout the day.

Imagine walking with your clients to take up your reserved seating on Centre Court, while hundreds of other people are having to make do with watching the action on screens.
It’s an experience which will live long in the memory of your key clients and one they are sure to refer to when thinking about you and your business.

CLICK HERE FOR MORE..

Ugliest girl in the world

They asked the Turkish Guy "if you would marry the ugliest girl in the world only for 1 million dollar. He says "I got three conditions" 1- If We have a baby I choose the name 2- I don't kiss on the lips 3- I PAY THE MILLION BY INSTALMENTS

HOW TO ASK PAY RISE TO YOUR BOSS

As a Turkish Immigrant in London, you come across many interesting conversations when you hang out in Turkish cafes, restaurants, famous social clubs..
Here is the example of a real conversation I heard while sipping my cappuccino looking flat white in one of the Turkish places in Hackney. It's about their work. So you guys should understand that immigrants work hard.. very hard..

A-I am fed up with my boss man.. he is taking a piss..
B- Whats his problem.?

A-I told him that I need more hours but instead, he cut my hours to 70 a week.
B- Man, you used to do 80 hours a week. Why he cut your hours to 70?

A- Cause he says business is slow but I need at least 90 hours a week so I can save some money.

B- Just tell him man. They just trying you. Once I asked my boss for a pay rise. He said NO!. I told him if he doesn't give me £2 pound an hour instead of £1.80 I said I am going to quit. He was moaning but he start to give me £2 now. So you gotta be strong man.

A- Yeah man, He is taking a piss. I need at least 90 hours a week so I can save some money and open my own take -away kebab shop in 5 years time.

B- Soon man. I will buy a kebab van soon. Good money and fewer hours.. you only open 7 days a week but you don't have to open before 10 AM.


 

How to make profit from Tate Modern

I decide to add some color in my life and take my Turkish friend to the Tate Modern for the first time in his life.
There you see his opinions and suggestions on how to run Tate Modern properly and make some money..

-Too much brick my friend. way too much. cover the walls with cheap concrete then  you can sell them bricks as reclaim stuff to the trendy newcomers in Hackney.

-Why is this big chimney thing there doing for nothing? I would rent it to the billboard company. get some ad money.

-Gift shop? silly idea.. turn this silly gift shop to an off-licence. you make a killing. since I don't see many around this stretch  of the river anyway..

- This empty hall is such a waste.. turn it into car park.. its very expensive to park here, thanks god i have my late aunts disable badge. anyway, i would put my cousin here by the door and charge each car set fee of 10 quid. you make a killing.

- silly stuff on the wall. you call this art? I bring my cousin here to paint them wall with nice village scenery, cows and sheep and some moving waterfall frame..  or go to IKEA they have some nice pictures there and very cheap.

- electricity bill here must be high here. get rid of these funny lights.. I 'll bring my cousin here to install fivehundredmillionzillion fluorescent lights here so people can see the art properly.

Do you now Boris Johnson?

As a Turkish person who lives in London I always come across same questions from my English friends. 

“Where is the best kebab in London? “ 

“Can you tell me where I can find the best lahmacun?” 

“Is the newly open Turkish hammam any good ?” 

“I need a gun, Can you get it for me from the Turkish Mafia?” etc.. 

I don’t recall myself asking where is the best fish & chips ? Where can I eat delicious shepherds pie? Or do you now Boris Johnson? Peh..

Turkish Job Application in London

Imagine your English is as poor as the ones on the silly reality TV shows. Immigrants usually learn English on the streets of London or at work from other immigrants so generally very basic and as they say “street” so here we go applying for the jobs generates humorous moments.

Friend of mine applied for a job with CV full of made up experiences. He is here for 4 years but looking at his CV you can say that he was born here. UNforfonunately he was caught not with the fake information he was providing. That one line on his CV got the attention of the employer and that was it.  Lets see if you guys can notice. On his CV he was outlining his personal skills.

-I am a Team worker who doesn’t scared of using initiative when time is right. I focus on projects with a great attention to details.

Another example of job applications made by Turkish friends,

-I want this job very much because I need money.

-I leave my other company because boss was bastard.

-I am very good worker. If you don’t give me the job Allah will punish you.

Example of answers for reference requests made by the companies.

-My cousin works here. His name is Ali. Talk to him. He knows me.

-Mr. Cengiz: Works at off-licence.

-Mr. Richard 0776***5462 (obviously & stupidly his own mobile number)

How to quit smoking or not to?

I have a friend whos is older than me. 50 something-year-old Turkish fella. He did great for himself. Couple of restaurants, few off-licence, take away kebab shops.
All with no English at all. Yes, No, Garlic sauce, chilli sauce.. that's about it. oh and also he can say "Alright mate" with east London accent.
He managed all without speaking the language of the country he is living but lately he decided to be more sophisticated and follow some trends he sees in Turkish newspapers.
One of them was quit smoking using the hypnosis technic. He finds this ridiculously expensive expert and gets an appointment (how he managed that is beyond my imagination).He went to few sessions and no success.
So he complains and asks for his money back from the hypnosis doctor. When I saw him the  other day he said that the guy refused to treat him anymore and give his money back cause the expert can not put him in the hypnotic state to work on his sub conscious. It took 3 sessions for expert to realise that the guy can not speak or understand any English at all..

My friend explained the outcome of his experience in just one sentence (in a very Turkish way.)
"You cant stop smoking unless you speak English my friend"

How to survive in low paid job in London

As an immigrant in London mainly low paid, hard working jobs are available. So I am looking around to change my career (being sarcastic here).

Many jobs available these days so I don't know which one I should go for (sarcastic again)
Anyways I managed to get one for the time being as a driver for council in London. Ideal job.

Driving job in London always come with one good benefit which is not offered by an employer but more like self-help.
Natives or lets say middle class or uppers don't know much about it or care. if you are streetwise or come from a shitty background of some dodgy area then you would know cause probably you are part of the scheme.

So what is the benefit for low paid driving job for council? its pays £6.80 an hour before tax. wowww.. That's a good start. £6.80 ph means I can afford 1 Kebab  wrap an hour.  Thank you council offering me this amazing opportunity after 500 million interviews so now I can drive one of your vehicles carelessly all day all night.
Anyways I was happy to get the job so at least I could be enjoying the extra benefit this position offers me. Just like any other driver out there I could be the one making the extra dime for pocket change.

Any driver who works for the government or any council in London knows the trick.
You get a gas card for your petrol or diesel. (diesel much preferred) Fill the tank up. Drive to the nearest dodgy neighborhood garage run by your immigrant fellow. Negotiate the price. When agreed, empty half of the tank. Get your money and go back to your daily routine while the garage owner makes some calls, mainly to dodgy cab office down the road and let his fellow immigrant, unlicenced, benefit receiving cab drivers know that he has cheap diesel to sell.
Takes 10 minutes to complete the whole gas deal unlike Shell, BP etc who would probably ask the governments to divide the people who work there, bomb the garage, bring democracy and take the petrol.

Cutting the long story short. I was ready for my new job. I got up, get ready, reach to my locker, put my official uniform on (dirty hi-wiz vest), grab my sun newspaper so I can rest it on the dashboard of my van and show people that I would happily support Donald Trump if I was an immigrant in America. All ready for action. I went to the garage. Introduced to my vehicle and baaaaaammmm.

All my plans are destroyed. Fucking electric van. How on earth they do electric van. What for? What I am gonna do with it. How am I make extra money on that? Cant go to my dodgy garage and ask them where the plug is!!!
"hey man you want some current? 220v top of the range??? " or " you wanna charge your stolen iPhone in my electric van?"
Most of them don't even pay for electric anyways. So its bad at the moment.. but you never give up if you are an immigrant.
At the moment I am working on how to transfer them volts to my fellow minicab drivers Toyota Prius.. if not at least I can swap the new battery in my van with the old one at the garage..
innovation my friend; is important in our world.. So wish me good luck before I quit this job..