HOW TO ASK PAY RISE TO YOUR BOSS

As a Turkish Immigrant in London, you come across many interesting conversations when you hang out in Turkish cafes, restaurants, famous social clubs..
Here is the example of a real conversation I heard while sipping my cappuccino looking flat white in one of the Turkish places in Hackney. It's about their work. So you guys should understand that immigrants work hard.. very hard..

A-I am fed up with my boss man.. he is taking a piss..
B- Whats his problem.?

A-I told him that I need more hours but instead, he cut my hours to 70 a week.
B- Man, you used to do 80 hours a week. Why he cut your hours to 70?

A- Cause he says business is slow but I need at least 90 hours a week so I can save some money.

B- Just tell him man. They just trying you. Once I asked my boss for a pay rise. He said NO!. I told him if he doesn't give me £2 pound an hour instead of £1.80 I said I am going to quit. He was moaning but he start to give me £2 now. So you gotta be strong man.

A- Yeah man, He is taking a piss. I need at least 90 hours a week so I can save some money and open my own take -away kebab shop in 5 years time.

B- Soon man. I will buy a kebab van soon. Good money and fewer hours.. you only open 7 days a week but you don't have to open before 10 AM.


 

Turkish Job Application in London

Imagine your English is as poor as the ones on the silly reality TV shows. Immigrants usually learn English on the streets of London or at work from other immigrants so generally very basic and as they say “street” so here we go applying for the jobs generates humorous moments.

Friend of mine applied for a job with CV full of made up experiences. He is here for 4 years but looking at his CV you can say that he was born here. UNforfonunately he was caught not with the fake information he was providing. That one line on his CV got the attention of the employer and that was it.  Lets see if you guys can notice. On his CV he was outlining his personal skills.

-I am a Team worker who doesn’t scared of using initiative when time is right. I focus on projects with a great attention to details.

Another example of job applications made by Turkish friends,

-I want this job very much because I need money.

-I leave my other company because boss was bastard.

-I am very good worker. If you don’t give me the job Allah will punish you.

Example of answers for reference requests made by the companies.

-My cousin works here. His name is Ali. Talk to him. He knows me.

-Mr. Cengiz: Works at off-licence.

-Mr. Richard 0776***5462 (obviously & stupidly his own mobile number)

How to survive in low paid job in London

As an immigrant in London mainly low paid, hard working jobs are available. So I am looking around to change my career (being sarcastic here).

Many jobs available these days so I don't know which one I should go for (sarcastic again)
Anyways I managed to get one for the time being as a driver for council in London. Ideal job.

Driving job in London always come with one good benefit which is not offered by an employer but more like self-help.
Natives or lets say middle class or uppers don't know much about it or care. if you are streetwise or come from a shitty background of some dodgy area then you would know cause probably you are part of the scheme.

So what is the benefit for low paid driving job for council? its pays £6.80 an hour before tax. wowww.. That's a good start. £6.80 ph means I can afford 1 Kebab  wrap an hour.  Thank you council offering me this amazing opportunity after 500 million interviews so now I can drive one of your vehicles carelessly all day all night.
Anyways I was happy to get the job so at least I could be enjoying the extra benefit this position offers me. Just like any other driver out there I could be the one making the extra dime for pocket change.

Any driver who works for the government or any council in London knows the trick.
You get a gas card for your petrol or diesel. (diesel much preferred) Fill the tank up. Drive to the nearest dodgy neighborhood garage run by your immigrant fellow. Negotiate the price. When agreed, empty half of the tank. Get your money and go back to your daily routine while the garage owner makes some calls, mainly to dodgy cab office down the road and let his fellow immigrant, unlicenced, benefit receiving cab drivers know that he has cheap diesel to sell.
Takes 10 minutes to complete the whole gas deal unlike Shell, BP etc who would probably ask the governments to divide the people who work there, bomb the garage, bring democracy and take the petrol.

Cutting the long story short. I was ready for my new job. I got up, get ready, reach to my locker, put my official uniform on (dirty hi-wiz vest), grab my sun newspaper so I can rest it on the dashboard of my van and show people that I would happily support Donald Trump if I was an immigrant in America. All ready for action. I went to the garage. Introduced to my vehicle and baaaaaammmm.

All my plans are destroyed. Fucking electric van. How on earth they do electric van. What for? What I am gonna do with it. How am I make extra money on that? Cant go to my dodgy garage and ask them where the plug is!!!
"hey man you want some current? 220v top of the range??? " or " you wanna charge your stolen iPhone in my electric van?"
Most of them don't even pay for electric anyways. So its bad at the moment.. but you never give up if you are an immigrant.
At the moment I am working on how to transfer them volts to my fellow minicab drivers Toyota Prius.. if not at least I can swap the new battery in my van with the old one at the garage..
innovation my friend; is important in our world.. So wish me good luck before I quit this job..

immigrant conversation while drinking coffee

As an immigrant in this country most of the time you don’t understand natives. You don’t get their way of thinking, their likes, dislikes etc. the only thing you understand is the racism. You can easily understand why they are racist (on different levels).  Racism I talk about here is nothing to do with race or color. Its what I call immigrant racism which is not very serious considering right wing head shoppers.

I take it lightly cause I believe its normal. Coming here from somewhere else and judging the way natives live and hating them for it is also an another form of immigration-related racism.  Just to give a little example to explain what I am talking bout here.

I was sitting in one of them dodgy café in East London and watching the life past by when my friend sitting next to me decide to share whats going on in his little brain.

-       these people are stupid man.

-       What people?

-       These runners. They run all the time.

-       Errrmm.. maybe they want to have and maintain healthy life?

-       What healty life. Running is no good. You wouldn’t buy a car with high mileage do ya?

So I have to give you little insight about us here. We compare everything with cars or mobile phones. My friend here things running is adding mileage to your legs, hearts or whatever which is debatable actually. But the problem here is that runners being stupid cause they do something we don’t so its totally stupid. Right..

Having realized this I try to hit him on different angle.

-doctors say running is good for your heart.

-of course, they say that cause they get paid by footwear and sportswear companies.

Ok. Let me explain another thing here bout immigrants. They are the strong believers for conspiracy theories. %100 of this idea heard in one of them smoky social clubs where they sit all day and get knowledge from one of the most  creative and imaginative people in the room, they come out and share their wisdom and be very confident about the idea they are defending. I carried on with the conversation so I can reach the light of wisdom.

-what do you mean by that?

-you see my friend, these companies like Nike pay money to doctors to say running is healthy so people buy trainers run.

-hmmmm..Nike does that?

-yes. Cause they are Jewish innit.

Here we go. Another confident statement. For some reason which I never understand immigrants don’t like jews and blame them for everything bad. Even people from Israel who move to London don’t like jews.. in fact its more like love and hate relationship. In the end, Jewish people always get praise.

-Jewish people smart. They know business. (yay.. praise.)

before I end this informative conversation with my friends and start enjoying my coffee again. I asked him,

-you are wearing trainers with your tracksuit bottoms as usual.. but you don’t run. How that works out for your jew\doctor\nike conspiracy.

-mines are stolen innit. So I don’t pay Nike but my counterfeit brothers.

I asked him where he was going from here..

-I am gonna go see the GP. He says my heart don’t beat right. Told him I am a MC, I rule the beats innit. Ha ha..

so long my 31 year old friend.. I say you better start running soon..