London Poem

They all come to London

Big dreams,

Soon abandon

Center of the world

One language turns hundred

Getting hurled

Memories Plundered

City is busy

Ignores you

You feel dizzy

Have no Clue

Not easy to get here

Harder to leave

When you realise

It's too late

There is nothing to achieve

Love and hate

You are in between

Knowing its too late

To get clean

London Knows you are here

Sad and tired

Only sees but cant here

You think you are fired

No more inspired

Done, Leaving no more,

The city is the pimp

and

You are just a whore..

Turkish Job Application in London

Imagine your English is as poor as the ones on the silly reality TV shows. Immigrants usually learn English on the streets of London or at work from other immigrants so generally very basic and as they say “street” so here we go applying for the jobs generates humorous moments.

Friend of mine applied for a job with CV full of made up experiences. He is here for 4 years but looking at his CV you can say that he was born here. UNforfonunately he was caught not with the fake information he was providing. That one line on his CV got the attention of the employer and that was it.  Lets see if you guys can notice. On his CV he was outlining his personal skills.

-I am a Team worker who doesn’t scared of using initiative when time is right. I focus on projects with a great attention to details.

Another example of job applications made by Turkish friends,

-I want this job very much because I need money.

-I leave my other company because boss was bastard.

-I am very good worker. If you don’t give me the job Allah will punish you.

Example of answers for reference requests made by the companies.

-My cousin works here. His name is Ali. Talk to him. He knows me.

-Mr. Cengiz: Works at off-licence.

-Mr. Richard 0776***5462 (obviously & stupidly his own mobile number)

How to survive in low paid job in London

As an immigrant in London mainly low paid, hard working jobs are available. So I am looking around to change my career (being sarcastic here).

Many jobs available these days so I don't know which one I should go for (sarcastic again)
Anyways I managed to get one for the time being as a driver for council in London. Ideal job.

Driving job in London always come with one good benefit which is not offered by an employer but more like self-help.
Natives or lets say middle class or uppers don't know much about it or care. if you are streetwise or come from a shitty background of some dodgy area then you would know cause probably you are part of the scheme.

So what is the benefit for low paid driving job for council? its pays £6.80 an hour before tax. wowww.. That's a good start. £6.80 ph means I can afford 1 Kebab  wrap an hour.  Thank you council offering me this amazing opportunity after 500 million interviews so now I can drive one of your vehicles carelessly all day all night.
Anyways I was happy to get the job so at least I could be enjoying the extra benefit this position offers me. Just like any other driver out there I could be the one making the extra dime for pocket change.

Any driver who works for the government or any council in London knows the trick.
You get a gas card for your petrol or diesel. (diesel much preferred) Fill the tank up. Drive to the nearest dodgy neighborhood garage run by your immigrant fellow. Negotiate the price. When agreed, empty half of the tank. Get your money and go back to your daily routine while the garage owner makes some calls, mainly to dodgy cab office down the road and let his fellow immigrant, unlicenced, benefit receiving cab drivers know that he has cheap diesel to sell.
Takes 10 minutes to complete the whole gas deal unlike Shell, BP etc who would probably ask the governments to divide the people who work there, bomb the garage, bring democracy and take the petrol.

Cutting the long story short. I was ready for my new job. I got up, get ready, reach to my locker, put my official uniform on (dirty hi-wiz vest), grab my sun newspaper so I can rest it on the dashboard of my van and show people that I would happily support Donald Trump if I was an immigrant in America. All ready for action. I went to the garage. Introduced to my vehicle and baaaaaammmm.

All my plans are destroyed. Fucking electric van. How on earth they do electric van. What for? What I am gonna do with it. How am I make extra money on that? Cant go to my dodgy garage and ask them where the plug is!!!
"hey man you want some current? 220v top of the range??? " or " you wanna charge your stolen iPhone in my electric van?"
Most of them don't even pay for electric anyways. So its bad at the moment.. but you never give up if you are an immigrant.
At the moment I am working on how to transfer them volts to my fellow minicab drivers Toyota Prius.. if not at least I can swap the new battery in my van with the old one at the garage..
innovation my friend; is important in our world.. So wish me good luck before I quit this job..