Good Old London Bendy Buses

A long time ago they decide to introduce so-called Bendy Buses to London. What a big mistake that was.

First of all, they were not suitable for London's narrow roads but most importantly nobody was paying a fare.
Hop in Hop out.

When the authorities realise the non-paying issue, they recruited 150 people to catch people like us. They give them a fancy name. Revenue Protection Officers.

RPO's mean business.
They tried every trick in the book.
Tried to surprise people, catch them red-handed.
They hide behind bus stops, jump on a bus just before the doors close.

The trick was to keep an eye on the next stop.
When you see the Revenue Protection Officers you jump off the bus before they get in. Once they were in you pray that bus gets to next stop before they got to you.

Sometimes people used to get caught before they got to you. That was a mixed feeling though. You are happy being safe but feel for the fellow fee dodger.

Let's say you managed to get away for some time but your luck turned and got caught.

The first thought is "Even if I get fined, I am still in profit." Total unpaid fees £118, fine £60. right?

Not really.!

You should never give up.

So you give them some made up name, address, get your ticket, listen their -be a good citizen, pay your dues- advice and move on.

The secret in this tactic was to look embarrassed, feel bad and acted like you learn your lesson. If you behave cooky etc they insisted on seeing your ID, asking ridiculous questions and sometimes get the police involved.

You made them feel like winners. They got you. Wow. Great job mate. So you can safely move away and let them chase Mr Gregor Samsa.

This one time I and my mate decided to jump on a bus. He had a pass however I told him that I had no bus pass.
He dismissed my point and said " don't be a pussy"

Guess what happened next. I got caught.

So I am in the middle of the bus with my mate getting questioned, all pissed off decided to teach a lesson to my friend and gave his name and address to the officer.

Obviously, he didn't say anything but I could see him getting red and angry. I was feeling good myself at the time.
When he finished with me, the officer turned to my friend and asked for the pass. My smartass mate said that he didn't have a pass and gave my name/address for the fine. Asshole..!

Then one day Boris Johnson got rid off all bendy buses and brought fancy but troubled new routemasters.


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Hipster jokes from east London

My poetry bring all the hipsters to the yard and they're like "How Avant-garde" 

If a tree falls in the woods, and nobody's around to hear it, will a hipster buy the soundtrack? 

Dear Hipster, Jesus loved you before you were cool. 

If a hipster does something but doesn't Instagram it, did it really happen? 

I ain't no hipster, but I can make your hips stir. 

Dear Hipster, no matter how cool you think you're making it look...It's still alcoholism 

Two hipsters walk into a bar. The first one did it before it was cool, and the second one did it ironically. 

I farted in a room of hipsters and I watched them fight each other over who heard it first. 

So a hipster walks into a bar and, well, you've probably never heard of it. 

What came first the hipster or the mainstream? 

Push a hipster down the stairs, ....now look whose tumbling. 

Hipsters wear jackets in the summer before it's cool. 

Hipsters hate rivers. Too mainstream. 

Do I look fat in this dress?

A- Hey babes,
B-Hey Darling
A- Do I look fat in this dress?
B- No baby
A-Are you sure?
B-Yes baby
A-But you said you like my big ass
B-Yes baby.
A- You think that I am fat???!!!
B- No baby
A- So you think my ass is not sexy???!!
B- No baby.
A- So you say my ass is fat  that means I am fat!!
B- No baby
A- so you calling me fat???!!
B- No baby
A- You don't love me anymore.. go to hell!!!!
B- Baby????

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Ugliest girl in the world

They asked the Turkish Guy "if you would marry the ugliest girl in the world only for 1 million dollar. He says "I got three conditions" 1- If We have a baby I choose the name 2- I don't kiss on the lips 3- I PAY THE MILLION BY INSTALMENTS

How to get treated like a king on Turkish Restaurants or kebab shop..

in London, everybody likes kebab or nice BBQ ribs or maybe a lahmacun. Since you are going to eat all of them at some point why not get a better service or/and freebies or/and a discount.

here are some tips how to be loved by Turkish kebab man and get the best treatment.

Rule number one; This is a general rule applies to everybody in every situation. Show some respect. Whatever people do for a living deserves to be treated with respect. Do not look down on people or be a snob in any situation. Get that as a principle for life.

Rule number two; Learn some Turkish. Basic words. Hello, How are you, or how to order in Turkish.  Kebab man love that. Turkish people love who try to speak Turkish. Makes us smile and happy. You will be a star in no time.

Rule number three; Tell them that their place is the best in town and that's why you tell all your friends to come to that place to eat. Turkish people love to get compliments.

Rule Number four; If you are eating in a Turkish restaurant. Tell the chef that you want something mix to share and its up to the chef to come up with something. Leave it to him.They will get crazy and get you the biggest mixed platter you have ever seen with no extra charge.

Rule Number four; Never turn down a Turkish tea. if its not offered make sure you asked after your meal. Tea means friendship. Drink it and enjoy.

Rule number five; Een if you are not eating if you are passing by or in the area, pop in and say hello. We love people just saying hello without asking anything. It shows that you care and they will love you for it.

These are the basic rules.. You follow these rules on your regular spot. You will get treated like a VIP everytime you go there.

How to make profit from Tate Modern

I decide to add some color in my life and take my Turkish friend to the Tate Modern for the first time in his life.
There you see his opinions and suggestions on how to run Tate Modern properly and make some money..

-Too much brick my friend. way too much. cover the walls with cheap concrete then  you can sell them bricks as reclaim stuff to the trendy newcomers in Hackney.

-Why is this big chimney thing there doing for nothing? I would rent it to the billboard company. get some ad money.

-Gift shop? silly idea.. turn this silly gift shop to an off-licence. you make a killing. since I don't see many around this stretch  of the river anyway..

- This empty hall is such a waste.. turn it into car park.. its very expensive to park here, thanks god i have my late aunts disable badge. anyway, i would put my cousin here by the door and charge each car set fee of 10 quid. you make a killing.

- silly stuff on the wall. you call this art? I bring my cousin here to paint them wall with nice village scenery, cows and sheep and some moving waterfall frame..  or go to IKEA they have some nice pictures there and very cheap.

- electricity bill here must be high here. get rid of these funny lights.. I 'll bring my cousin here to install fivehundredmillionzillion fluorescent lights here so people can see the art properly.

Wine selection is important

A Little story about what happens to a Turkish guy who worked hard all his life to make some money and decide to enjoy his fortune in the end.
So he takes his family to a posh restaurant in Mayfair.
Here is what happens.

- Can I have your best wine, please.?
- Of course sir, Which year would you like?
- Well, I want it now.

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